Tuesday, July 21, 2009

News Flash: Blog Hijacked

Someone call the blog fuzz, I’ve hijacked blog personality BJW’s dashboard.

Sigh. Here I sit having just come off another grueling, now infamous, two days, two nights, twelve hour shift set with a feeling that can only be compared to a red wine hangover, minus the fun evening that caused it.

With Benjamin now officially out of the country (at the time of this original writing a week ago) and since he’s so freely featured photos of me at 7 am on the way to work , I’ve decided it’s time for my own debut on the blogosphere, to let you all in on a couple top secret secrets that are soon to not be secrets about beloved Ben. You know, the kinds of secrets privy only to wives.

Disclaimer: Don’t expect the same writing caliber as Ben. Ben is funny when he writes, and, as I always tease him, more funny on paper than he is in person. I, on the other hand, am a goof in person and prone to puns. I’m more accustomed to writing dry, technical, boring papers like I did in nursing school, using fluffy academic words like phenomenological and hegemony and talking about airy fairy things like relational narratives from my Self and Others class.

Though, being an ER nurse, I do have plenty of gross stories that, let’s just say, you wouldn’t want to hear at dinnertime.

So, without further ado, and since it’s easier to ask forgiveness than request permission, consider this post the equivalent of the date where the guy’s mom pulls out naked baby pictures.

Top secret number one, the sad blunt truth: Ben cannot cook. Boiling water is a struggle. Microwaving? Doable. At best. At worst, overwhelmingly confused by which containers are microwave safe. Precise orders a must when anything needs to go from the freezer (God forbid) to the oven for dinner. Timers, bells, whistles and alarms must be set unless you enjoy blackened casserole, grind-your-teeth-to-pegs pizza, or dry-as-a-mud-puddle-in-the-desert enchiladas.

But he tries. Sincerely.

Our first official date, Ben tried to impress with a homemade breakfast one early, Saturday morning in Port Townsend whilst he was house-sitting. Ben went very early to Safeway and bought an entire grocery shelf, enough for ten breakfasts. (Strange, I’ve never known Ben to go overboard.) Crossaints, bear claws, cereal, granola, orange juice and champagne for mimosas, strawberries, bananas, melons, grapes, donuts, milk, cream and whipping cream ( because he heard on special occasions I actually eat my cereal with cream...don’t tell my mother, she didn’t know why she was always out of cream for coffee). But the main attraction, besides, ahem, our attraction for each other, was to be freshly made ham, cheese, bell peppers and mushroom omelletes. Uno problemo: Ben had never cooked an omelette in his life.

As I watched him fumble through preparations, set the frying pan smoking, barely whisking the eggs, unevenly chopping vegetables, and proceeding to place them raw in the omelette, it occurred to me that just maybe, he was in over his head.

So I took over.

And haven’t stopped.

A saving grace, Ben does make a mean mashed potato, heaps and mounds and mountains of mashed potatoes. In fact, when Ben makes mashed potatoes we eat them for a week, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Top secret number two: Strange sleep habit. Warm milk, cozy pajamas, folding down the sheets, turning out the lights, just writing it makes me sleepy. Works for me. Not Ben

For the more needy and sleep deprived, chill pills and tranquilizers do the trick. Gravol (Dramamine in the US), Benadryl, Immovane, Ativan, and serax (this is not a prescription, see a doctor). Not Ben.

Ben’s regimented nightcap: full glass of water (he’s paranoid of muscle cramps) and, especially, a movie. Unable to drift into the land of peaceful dreams, rolling waves on sandy beaches and finished novels, Ben instead, takes comfort in the serenity of blasting guns, slashing swords, perilous dangers, thunderous aircraft, and the great acting skill of none other than Harrison Ford. For some reason, Harrison Ford movies top the list of Ben’s most beloved Zonkers. I have personally watched the first ten minutes, in silence, of Clear and Present Danger more times than I have digits. And Dr. Richard Kimble in the Fugitive is as good as a mobile above his crib. I guess there’s just something about the chiseled chin of HF that coaxes Ben into sweet slumber. ( Other soothers, Thirteen Days, about the Cuban missile crisis, Master and Commander, and The Fog Of War, a documentary about the Cold War)

Thank goodness he has the decency to wear ear phones.

Top unsecret number one: Ben would do anything for the people he loves. Ben has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. His quirky ways, though on certain days drive me CRAZY, most of the time make me laugh. And laughing is the best way to get through life.

Thanks Benjamin for being you. I love you.

Signed, The Blog Bandit, aka The Impossible Whipped Lash, aka Amy Irene Watson

Ben recorded this for me in case I got lonely when he was gone.


  1. As a former roommate of Ben's, I must ask...what about the x-box or other gaming device? Sorry Ben, can't vouch for your cooking. Don't remember you making anything except alcohol-soaked dog food for Gina.

    And yes, anyone who knows Ben (even a little) knows how big his heart is. Love ya big guy.


  2. You two must make an adorable couple! What a great post. When are you starting your own blog? I'll follow.

  3. Awwwwww! I bet he won't mind you hijacking the blog for a bit. :)

  4. She who would pun would pick a pocket. Well blog pirate, how am I gonna compete with your writing? There goes my tough guy mask too. Love you too amy, you are a wonderful blog outlaw/wife.

    Logan, you were the cook, I was the poker player. I miss Gina, she was such a good dog. Your trip looked awesome. Look forward to your pics. Love ya back bud.

    Hi Corey, I've been telling her she should write a blog too. And leave mine alone! joking.

    I do mind Angie. It's been hard maintaining this lumberjack persona. Say, how's the hubby's gift-giving coming along? Is he getting better? Once he figures it out he can tell me too.

  5. High five, Amy! That's genius. Love it! And not funny...ha! Okay, and he sings, and plays the guitar!?! (note to Ben...I might have to pick your brain about a couple of things related!). Seeing that side of Ben made me think you need to make more little Watsons so he can sing to them. :)

  6. Hi Amy!

    I love your hijacking. And you are also completely hilarious like your husband. The omelette had me rolling as did the copious amounts of dairy/donut fare he shopped for. Which only goes to show how much he loves you. On that scale bear claw = bazillion love points I think.

    "Zonkers" is awesome. Please come back at least once a week or start your own blog!!!

  7. I agree on the excellence of the word Zonkers! I need some of those!

  8. Hey Folks! Yes, hijacking Ben's blog was a lot of fun and a lot of work. I must admit to chickening out at first (which is why it is only being published now) just thinking about others reading my writing. It gave me a little teeny tiny taste of what all you people do. Seriously though, heart attacks, strokes, multiple traumas, cardiac arrests, sick kids, all of that I can handle. Writing knowing people will read and critique your work, now that's stressful!

    Logan - yes, the gaming devices, good point. There is plenty more to this list. These are only two of nine hundred sixty seven...and counting. I've heard so much about you Logan, hope to meet you soon.

    Corey - Thanks, you're sweet. As for my own blog, I think the occasional hijacking will do, see above reasons.

    Angie - Yeah, I don't think he did mind. Though it was pretty funny when he saw the recording on there I think he was a bit embarrassed. I've never been to your neck of the woods but hope to someday.

    Jolie - Little Watsons! Have you been talking to my mother? Ha, ha, one day, perhaps! For now he makes a great doggie Daddy and Uncle to our wonderful nieces and nephews. ps. Victoria is gorgeous and only a ferry ride away...you are more than welcome, anytime!

    Jaime - First of all, we LOVE our Mario Beartali. He is yet to be framed but when he is, he will be proudly displayed in the kitchen where he belongs. You are so talented. Love the recipe cards too. Secondly, I snoop around and read your blog and you are gut-splitting funny. Hope to meet you someday too! Maybe in Ballard?

    Martha - Just so you know, Ben idolizes your writing. And, as we say up here, you're one H-E-double-hockey-sticks of an editor. Ben showed me the talking potatoes! How adorable. Heard about your Dad, is he recovering well? Glad to hear he's on the mend. Sounds like quite the hospital he was staying at. I worked at a hospital in Africa that sounded remarkable similar. Chickens running through it, no windows, goats and cows standing outside. Anyway, hope to meet you soon too!

    Cheers, AMY

  9. wonderful hijacking Amy. Ben is one heck of a sweetheart. But we'll tell him he's a big tough guy, just so he doesn't blush or anything

  10. :) Amy. Wow. Hi La Ri Ous. We need more hijackings round here.

    I will attest to the fact that movies make Ben go night night. I have never finished a movie with Ben yet. Perhaps at the theatre, but even then... Picture this: a group of rowdy guys sitting around drinking beers at our apartment in SD, watching a movie. Within oh.... four and a half minutes Ben is KO'd, snoring on the floor UNDER the coffee table, the rest of the guys totally amazed at his lack of concern for his own safety, especially given his then present company. (I still don't think he has ever noticed the tattoo!)

    Anyway, awesome, Amy. Good on ya!